Pouring

Shhh…. they’re all asleep.  The kids.  The two birds.  The puppy.  My husband.  All tuckered out from a day of making me feel special and appreciated.

My heart is full and happy.  Not because they recognized my hard work, not because they praised my cooking skills, laundry finesse, or bedtime story artistry.  (Though, those are sweet things to say, and I will admit, my bedtime stories rock.)

No, what makes today so wonderful is that I get to be reminded of how great a treasure it is to be the mom of THESE children.  We moms know the deal:  it’s not about how good a mother we are to you.  We’re not nodding in agreement as you extol all our matronly virtues, ’cause we KNOW.  We know how selfish and impatient and cranky things can get behind the scenes.  We know you bear the brunt of our imperfections and sins.  (That terrifies us most of the time, to be honest.)

So, no, we’re not thinking of what great mothers we are today.  But don’t get me wrong.  This is one of the best days of the year.   The joy and pleasure you see in our eyes is genuine.  What’s happening is that we are marveling at how amazing it is that we get YOU!!  We get love we don’t deserve, and couldn’t possibly earn.  We get your cuteness, your sweetness, your soft skin and lovely scent.  We get your wit and charm and unexpected acts of selflessness.  We get your heart and tiny wilted flowers from the yard and your head on our shoulder and you telling us with absolute conviction that we are the prettiest mama in the whole world.  We get to be the one you want when you’re hurt.  You cry when we leave, for goodness sake!  And squeal with joy when we come back!

God blessed me with an extravagant love, a gift tailored perfectly to my soul–and then multiplied it times five.

I know!!  It’s absolutely amazing.  God could have stopped at just saving me from hell and giving me eternal life with Him, and it would have been mind blowing enough.  But He just kept on blessing me.    He has poured out more on me that I can ever measure.  He can’t stop blessing me, won’t stop blessing me– because that is who He is, and what He does.  He is endlessly prodigal in His love for His children.

The true gift of  Mother’s Day is this– in knowing the Gift Giver.  The Creator.  The One Who Gives Good Things.  I rejoice today because of the love of a God that would prompt such wonderful gifts.  Unfathomable.

Happy Mother’s Day, all.

 

 

 

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He Wins

The rain is plinking down deliciously outside my dark window.  I am awake in a houseful of sleep.  That’s the best kind of alone– I am guarding the rear, my loves have gone on before me, but I will follow soon.  They are dreaming now, and I’m not far behind them.

The rain has brought a chill with it, and I grabbed one of my husband’s shirts from the (clean) laundry basket, so I am curled up in that.  (Does anything make a girl feel quite so cozy and snug as wearing her man’s shirt?  It is truly the most divine comfort.)

It’s late and I’m sleepy, but I am writing because that is what we do, no matter what time it is.  Writers are on call, 24 hours a day.  I’ve been trying for weeks now to write on my own timetable, but it simply doesn’t work.  I struggle to share my thoughts and daily activities, but end up staring blankly at a white text box over and over again.  It’s not that there aren’t things to say, but I find I haven’t got… something…. to write them.

Oh well.

I think half my problem is that I tend to over think things.  I dissect every thought and motivation and emotion behind something– trying to find the purpose behind it.  I’m looking for the meaning in everything I do, or don’t do, or what others are doing or not doing, or in what God is doing or not doing.  It’s crazy.

Loco.

And totally unnecessary!

I finally got that the other day.  It’s not my job to understand every little thing that happens in my life.  Some things, you just accept.  Some you let go of.  Some you endure.  Some you enjoy.  There’s no trick answer, no code to decipher, no “other” meaning.  It just is what it is.  You may never know all the WHYs of life, but that was  never the point.   Understanding everything that happens in life is way out of our pay grade.  And that’s okay.  We do much better when we aren’t trying to sort out an entire universe with our little finite selves.  It’s too much.  It’s silly, even.

My new motto in life is developing into something like this:  pray, then roll with it.

It’s funny to me that it’s so simple.  Not easy, no.  But simple.  So many nights spent like Jacob wrestling with God,  and it boils down to that.  Take what’s given to me, be glad for all the blessings, wait for God to turn my sorrows into joys, and be content to not have all the answers.  Maybe the wrestling is what finally allowed me to see these things, I don’t know.  But I am glad the striving is over, for a little while.  I’m glad to catch my breath, and revel in the Truth.

A train is whistling in the distance.  It’s nice to know another soul is awake.  I’ll let him keep watch now, as he chugs along through the rain and the night.  My shift has ended, and I’m off.  I will slip out of my husband’s shirt, and go snuggle up to the real thing, and sleep and dream like the rest of my pack.  There will be no wrestling with God tonight.  He wins, and I rest, and all is well with my soul.

Goodnight, my dears.  Sweet dreams.

Let Midnight Come

If my life was a day, it would be about 9:30 a.m. {If I live to be 90}
The sun has risen, and breakfast is behind me.  I have made beds, had my second cup of coffee, and begun school.

I am planning my day, considering the supper menu, working on a schedule of events for  the day.  Momentum is picking up, and the day is in full swing.

And that is my life, in truth.  I am eager, the sleep wiped from my eyes, and I am ready for the tasks ahead.  I want the most from this day, from this life.  I want to be IN it, present, alert, participating in every moment.  The clock moves forever forward, and I want each strike of the hand to matter.

One life, that’s all we have.  One turn of the clock.  And the reality is, I may not live to be 90.  Maybe it’s not 9:30 in the morning for me.  An invisible clock is ticking, set at an hour I do not know.  And neither do you.  And that’s okay.  We aren’t supposed to know.  But we are supposed to live as though we are nearing midnight, because we are, my mortal friend.  This clock moves only one direction.

So–

Say I love you. 

Say I forgive you.  I’m sorry.  Thank you.

Give more than you get, love more than you’re loved.

Open your heart and your home.  Be vulnerable.  Say hard things that need to be said, but say them in love.  Be humble, be strong.  Work hard, but know when to just enjoy the moment.  Believe the best about people, be kind.    Bring beauty into the lives of others.  Look for broken things, and fix them.  Look for hurts and soothe them.

Don’t let there be anything left of you- be a vessel that has been poured out, used up.  Don’t hold back anything for later, for tomorrow, or because you’re scared they’ll be nothing left if you give it all.  That’s the point.  Give it all, before the clock stops.

When the hand is frozen– let there be nothing undone.  No love lost, no mercy forgotten.  No one left needing your forgiveness, no hunger unsatisfied, no empty arms or unruffled hair or broken hearts.

Let midnight come with rejoicing, and with peace. Not regret.

Live that way today, and all days– and it will not matter at what hour the clock points.

What to Do on the Ides of March in the Brimberry

First you look for arrow heads.

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then you light the bonfire.
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then, you hug your sister when she drives up, cause she’s had a really long week and you’re her big brother.
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then you realize your aunt has a camera and she’s not going away until she takes your picture.
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then you sit for a spell in the swing with your darlin’.
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then you hang out with your cousins, breaking all your mamas hearts with such sweet girlness.
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then you take a quick motorcycle ride with an unlicensed, but adorable, driver.
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then you rest your short legs for a minute and enjoy the activity around you and show off your cute curls.
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then you use your spidey-sense to find something chocolate, eat it, and then pose for a picture.
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then you play peek-a-boo.
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then hug a sister.
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then you give a mischievous glance to the side.
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then you hug your boy.
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then you pile in for a golf cart ride with your grandma and bring a lizard along for fun.
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then you wear a country hat and look real cute and make your wife love you even more.
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then you ride on down to the highway and get the truckers to honk for you.
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then you watch the fire and and enjoy another day’s end.
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then you stoke the fire a little, now that it’s cool enough to get close to again!
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then you share a moment with your grandpa, not knowing just how much that will mean to you one day.
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and as the last light fades, you climb a tree, just one more time, and have the best life ever.
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Image

Sundown

On the day I was born, the sun set in the sky.  I never thought to ask my mother if it was a sunny day, or a rainy one.  All I know, is that I was born, and on that day, the sun rose, and set.

On the day I got my first pair of glasses and really SAW the world for the first time, it did the same.  It rose, and it set.  I saw it better.

On the day I got a prank call from some mean girls from my school, who called me four eyes and buck tooth, the sun rose.  And it set.

On the day I was a duchess in a school musical and wore a beautiful pink chiffon gown and felt pretty, and not buck toothed at all, the sun rose.  And it set.

On the day I married my husband,

watched two towers in flames,

learned I was pregnant,

learned I wasn’t,

birthed a baby,

lost myself,

and got found again….

the sun rose, and it set.

It always does, it always has, and it always will.  No matter what happens between its comings and goings– the sun will never fail us.  The worst day of our life, the best day- the beginning day and our ending day– the sun will rise, and then it will set.  Whether it is hidden by clouds, or shines so brightly it burns our eyes, it is always in the sky.  Every tomorrow will have sun up and sun down.

Because God has made it so.  Every morning, God crooks His finger to motion, “up”, and there it is.  At the end of the day, He tips a finger “down”, and there it goes.  He has never, in all of existence, not done this.  It is so ingrained in us that we have a little saying, “as sure as the sun will rise.”

Because it IS sure.

Because God is sure.  He has never failed in His duties, in His promises, in His presence– and He reminds us of that at the beginning of each new day, and at its closing.  What a love letter He has painted in the sky for us.  I am with you.  I will never leave you, nor forsake you.  He wants that to be our first thought of the day, and our last thought of the night.  Wow.

I’ll never get over that.

Happy day’s end, my friends.  Hope your sunrise is spectacular tomorrow.

Revolving

shancam

My sister took this picture of me on a photo trip last year to New Orleans.

I didn’t even realize she took it at the time, but, I love that she did.  There are only a handful of pictures of me in existence, actually!  Ha.  I am so often the one taking the photos that I hardly creep into them myself.  But this one… this is me, and it’s a me I don’t want to forget.  Who I am when I’m with my sisters, my mom.  Who I am in faded jeans and a camera in my hand.  Who I am sitting on a curb, with long hair, in a city that is full of life.  I am this girl, but she doesn’t have center stage anymore.

Nice to know she’s still there, though.

Funny, five or ten years ago, I would have agonized over her.  I would have fretted over her frequent absences.  But I get it now.  Thank goodness!  Who needs all that angst and panic?

This girl is still here, she pops in when it’s convenient.  I’ve got a dozen WonderGirls and they all get a turn eventually.  Nothing to worry over– quite the opposite.  I can just wait, and enjoy the revolving door.  Took a while to figure that one out, but I’m so glad I did.

I do love the perspective of your mid-to-late 30’s.  It’s just… cool.  It’s a relief, after the uncertainty of the 20’s.

Okay, I gotta go make some lunch magic.  Y’all have a good weekend!

If This Is Monday, I’ll Take It.

Things are looking good, my friend.  It’s Monday, and I’m UP.  God answered some prayers this weekend, and I’m flying high.

King Pen has work coming, and this is happy, welcome news. Oh, how I love the look in his eyes when he is reaching for this dream!  I am swept up with him in the excitement, in his passion.  Being one body and one flesh is such a pleasure in moments like this.  His accomplishments and successes are sweet to my soul.  When he takes flight, I do, too.  It is extraordinary.

So, a pretty awesome start to the week.  I am overwhelmed, once again, with the goodness and provision of God.  And not just materially, but more than that.  I am thankful for this man at my side.  This person who is indivisible from me- whose boundaries are blurred into mine until we are one thing.

I am thankful that I get to be the other half of him.  That we are sharing a journey that no other human will ever fully know– that our life is a dance meant just for WonderGirl and King Pen.   That seventeen years have passed, and we’re still learning new steps and the music still plays and it always will.  That God gave me someone who knows me and loves me in a way nobody else could.  That I get to be the most important person in the world to somebody.  What an amazing thing.

All for now.  From this point on, I just get super cheesy, and you don’t need to see that.  🙂  Happy Monday, everybody.